A little mid-day reminiscing

Here are a few of my favourite photos that never fail to make me smile.  Photography has always been important to me.  If you're someone who is prone to over-thinking and periods of anxiety and melancholy, I think it's especially important to try and capture happy times and make a scrapbook of positive memories -- just to remind yourself that things are not always bad. 

Don't get me wrong -- today is not necessarily a bad day for me.  Not at all, actually.  I'm being quite productive with my work today and I am definitely enjoying that bright sunshine - even if from inside the house.  I just wanted to take a few minutes to take a "smile" break.  So, here are ten random photos that make me smile.... 

Beth and I at Hugh's Room in Toronto, ON (2010) -- the first time I saw her perform live

Isa and I when we went canoeing, May 2012.  Massive step for me in overcoming my fears.  Many thanks to Isa for being there for me in person (as well as Heather, for helping me so much long-distance).  They both made it possible for this moment to happen.  Canoeing is no longer a fear but a new-found passion!

My dearest friends on their wedding day.  June 2, 2012

 

 

The first picture ever taken of me with my three favourite guys...

 

 A happy, healthy photo of myself from my childhood :-)  August 1988

 Being important to the lives of these people....  

Spending this moment with this gorgeous little loon, who was injured and frightened but who seemed to 

find my presence comforting.

 

Sigh... Thank you Bethie.

 

 

 And again.... Sigh. (This is the kind of stuff I receive on a regular basis but it never fails to give me a chuckle.  Love that girl, crazy though she may be!)

And the Cowbell Sketch can always, always, always make me smile. 

All the world needs is a little more cowbell.  ;)

- NWK

Not every day is easy...

I've been having some struggles lately.  I have to admit it for what it is:  my anxiety issues and fear for the future are back.  There's a good reason.  A lot of things are uncertain right now and I need time to figure it out before I can move on to some other things in my life.  My mom potentially being very sick again is wreaking havoc on my emotional and mental health.  A few of my CF friends as well.  But I'm trying my best.  Some days are good, still.  Some day are not so good.

I woke up this morning with a severe panic attack.... a full-blown, "I think I might die from this one" panic attack.  It was really that bad.  It's not easy to go through this alone, with no one there to help guide me back to reality.  But I have been forced to find ways to help MYSELF in situations such as these over the past little bit, since I live alone now.  I know how to recognize when it is happening.  I know what to do to take steps to help it pass.  But it is SCARY. 

This is one of those days for me.  I'm worried about so much.  But I have so much to get done.  Today that doesn't seem to be the priority, though.  My main priority TODAY is to make it through to tomorrow.  I feel desperately alone.  I am scared about my mom and had a few upsetting dreams last night, which set the whole day off on the wrong foot.  I am under a tremendous amount of work-related stress and Guiding-related stress.  I need help with some of these tasks.  I have no choice this week but to talk with my leaders and the kids' families and let them know that I need help.  THIS is not an easy thing for me to admit, let alone DO.  I take pride in being "Super Woman" sometimes.  But for my own health, changes have to be made.  My selfish pride has no place here right now.  I will not be any good to anyone if I don't start slowing down and become humble enough to ask for help.  There's no shame in asking for help.

I'm also no longer quite so ashamed about going through periods such as this.  I used to be incredibly private and hide away, as though there would be an overwhelming backlash of judgement thrown my way.  But I can't be afraid of that anymore.... so I am daring to share my grief with you right now.

This is the face of my grief.  I'm not proud of it.  But I am DEFINITELY not hiding it anymore. I have a lot of dear friends in my corner who love me and try to help.  I know how lucky I am.  But a lot of this journey has to come from inside ME.  I need to come to terms with a lot of painful issues.  It's a process.  I can't expect everything to happen all at once;  that's not reasonable.  And thinking that there is a "quick fix" can be very detrimental.  I need to feel this grief and work my way through it until I can come out on the other side and feel genuine peace and healing.  The feelings of alone-ness are really the hardest parts to deal with. 
 
I just need to slow down and trust the process.  Go through the motions.  Get through it.  I've been through worse, so I know that I will eventually come out on the other side again.  That thought helps, at least.  But until then, it's just the bare minimum for me until I can make it through to another day.

xo
NWK

What a difference a year makes...

This time last year, I was preparing to make some major changes.  My dad was physically very weak from a heart attack he had suffered on January 22nd and he was waiting to get his call for open-heart bypass surgery, ten  hours away from their home on the other side of the province.  My step-mom was sick as well.  She had been diagnosed with cancer the previous summer and there were a lot of strange little symptoms starting to creep back in.  It was a scary and unpredictable time and I really didn't feel comfortable staying in Ontario and going about my life when I felt I should be there to help.  My work didn't really matter... I can do that from anywhere, so it wasn't a big issue.  And I made arrangements for some other women in my community to take over my Guiding units, which they did so very willingly.  I love them dearly for it.  So... I packed up and went back to Newfoundland.  When I left Ontario, I did so on a one-way ticket.  I had no idea how long I would actually be out there.  One of the bigger things for me - apart from worrying about my parents - was that it was difficult to picture myself living day-to-day back in that culture... and, in fact, I felt like a stranger in a foreign land when I stepped off the plane.  But I am so glad that I was there. 

It took awhile for my dad to get his call for surgery....  During that time, we tried to keep things as low-stress as possible -- which is nearly impossible with a house so full of people and chaos.  He was no longer allowed to work at the job he so dearly loved, but that still didn't stop us from occasionally hopping in the car and going out to explore anyway (he works in the wildlife / natural resources field).  It was good for him in small doses.  We just had to be careful not to overwhelm him.  His doctors warned that another heart attack  - the "big one" - was imminent and the next time it happened he would probably not be so lucky.... so we kept that in mind during every waking moment.  I stuck close to him, oppressively so at times ;-)  and he had no choice but to reluctantly let me be the parent some days.  He was very good in his new-found role of the strong-willed, stubborn child.  Getting him to take his nitro when I recognized that he was struggling with chest pain was like dealing with a two-year-old.  But we got through it.

I initially went out there to accompany him (and my step-mom) to St John's for his surgery but there ended up being a monkey wrench thrown into that plan.  My step-mom had her own issues to deal with. While I was out there, she ended up needing her own surgery.  It devastated her not to be with him during his time of need.  That was harder for her to deal with, in fact, than her cancer.  In the end, my brother and nephew ended up accompanying my dad as his support team and I ended up staying in Corner Brook to help my momma get through her own surgery and appointments.  It was a tumultuous time.  I wasn't overly anxious or depressed though, just because there wasn't time for that.  But any moment I stopped to take a break - even for five minutes - I would immediately fall asleep.  I was so emotionally and physically drained.  We all were. 

I noticed differences in my other family members as well, that were of concern.  My younger step-sister (who suffers from a developmental autism-like illness) would often be awake all night long, most likely worrying about dad and I would hear her moving about in her room and whining.  We had to keep in mind that this was affecting the girls more than we truly realized.  On a few occasions, I'd go into her room to keep her company during the night and was surprised to learn that she was open to that -- believe me, I am not exactly her favourite person in the world... mainly because I'm the original "daddy's girl" and she has now taken over that role.  Her jealously is fierce some days.  But I still tried my best to connect with her.  One night in particular, I went into her room around 2am after I heard her crying for "dada".  Her light was on, even though I know I had turned it off when I tucked her in earlier that evening.  She really developed a fear of the dark during all of this and I felt so bad for her.  I laid next to her on her bed and talked to her as though she could understand it all... because who am I to think that she can't, after all?  And you know something?  It really seemed to help her.   At one point that night, she reached out and took my hand in hers.  I held my breath and tried not to cry.  (She's not usually physically demonstrative with her affection, so it was a big deal.)  Over a period of about twenty minutes, she studied my hand in detail - the lines in my palm, the shine of my nail polish....  And she even made eye contact with me a few times.  She quietly listened to everything I was saying.  I explained that daddy's surgery had gone well and the doctors had made him all better.  I explained that we had to be careful with our hugs when he came home because he was still hurting and it would take a little while for his chest to heal.  I also reassured her that I was no threat to her;  he was HER daddy and I was soon going back home where I belonged now that he was going to be all better.  LOL.  She seemed to like that part maybe best of all ;-)  She eventually took my hand and placed it against her heart, saying, "Nana... lub."  It was one of the most powerful and moving moments of my entire life.  I whispered, "I love you too little girl," and tucked her in.  Within minutes, she was asleep.  It was the first night in weeks that she actually slept through the night.  I, however, did not.  When I went downstairs to my own room, the floodgates opened.  I wept for hours, trying desperately to muffle my sobs into my pillow so that I didn't wake anyone else up....  although I'm sure they were aware.  I cried for my dad and step-mom and everything that they were going through.  I cried in relief that things finally seemed to be getting better and there was a chance that I might NOT lose them both just yet.  I cried at the connection that I had just shared with my sister.   It was a long night.  But I got up the next day and we all carried on.  Because that's what we do.

I have created a little "family" of my own here in Ontario and I feel this is where I was meant to be.  I may not always be here physically, of course... different times may bring new changes and I may have to move elsewhere for economic reasons.  I've thought about that on occasion over the past year or so, but I think I'll be here for another little while at least.  A part of my soul will always live here, though.  This is where I did my healing.  This place has been really good to me.

I think through all of this the main thing I've gotten is to never take anything for granted.  I have become less self-focused and less apt to thinking that I can always do things "tomorrow".   Unfortunately, tomorrow doesn't always come.  I'm lucky that I got to share so many extra tomorrows with my parents and that I didn't lose them both last year.  It's taught me a lot about the power of showing your gratitude.  There's not a day that goes by that they don't know how much I love them and how much I appreciate what they've done for me. They've helped to shape me into a person I am proud to be.  And I love them so much.

The same goes for other important people in my life.  Tonight I've having dinner with some dear old friends and a dear new one.  I've been unbelievably blessed in my life over the past few years, so much so that I sometimes find it hard to believe that this is really my life.  But, at the risk of sounding narcissistic, I think I have to take some of the credit there for this streak of happiness.  I really try my best to be a good person and to help people as much as I can.  I think by living this way, I bring a lot of goodness back to my own life as well.  And it's worth it.

NWK

It's all how you look at things....

You know something?  I have really changed in the past couple of years.  I mean, I already knew that of course, but I'm noticing it more and more... especially on days like today. Today's been such an amazing day for me!  And it's not even dinner time yet! 

It had the potential to be a horrible day.  I didn't feel well when I woke up this morning.  I hadn't had a particularly restful sleep and really didn't have a lot of energy to work with.  But I forced myself to get up and start the day anyway.  I had a nice, hot shower and treated myself to a chocolate chai tea.  I was sorely tempted to write the entire day off and feign "sick" -- I have to be honest!  But I am so glad I pushed myself that extra little bit.

I opted for walking the 2+ km to my doctor's office this morning instead of busing.  I didn't feel like being around too many people and besides, I always enjoy hiking on the trail.  That is never a chore for me.  The weather was cold and crisp and perfect for walking so off I went.  I also grabbed my small point-and-shoot camera on my way out the door and shoved it in my pocket.   Admittedly, I was still  under the impression that the day was going to be a bust, but I chose to take my time to at least enjoy my walk and snap a few photos along the way.  The hiking trail is always peaceful and as I breathed in the fresh air, I could feel my tensions melting away.  The glittering, untouched snow was unbelievably beautiful.

These are the pictures I liked the best from the twenty or so I took this morning: 

 

Later, while I was sitting in the waiting room, I observed a not-quite-two-year-old girl "reading" the poster about getting a flu shot. "Wook, mama... s... h... o...t. That weads Sally is Happy to meet -- [she paused to think for a second] -- Oliver the Turtle. That's what that says, right?" I was flabbergasted!  She'll be a great reader and I suspect she also has the soul of a writer!  It made me smile.  Then she was off to get a cure for her tummy ache. 

When I finally got in to see my doctor, I was actually kind of annoyed to learn that that the only thing I was really there for this morning was to discuss that my first Vitamin D was low.  This is not a new thing.  Inside I thought,  "You couldn't have told me this over the phone?!"  But she gave me such a bright smile upon entering the room and said since she hadn't seen me since last year, she really wanted to talk and see how things were going for me.  I felt important (and a little sheepish for being miffed just a few minutes earlier!) She was so interested to hear about what I had going on in my life and said that I looked "great!" and that ever since the day she met me, happiness is all she has ever wished for my life.  Her face lit up when she saw me and it was just a really nice feeling.  We talked for a bit and she told me how good I looked and remarked that she was "so, so glad" to see me happy.  Dear, sweet  heart.  I adore her.  Her kindness really turned my day around.

When I went to the pharmacy to get my asthma puffer and Vitamin D refilled, even the pharmacist was glad to see me! She has always been very pleasant with me but I never knew that I was anyone special.  She said, "Ohh my gosh! Wow! I haven't seen you here in such a long time!  How have you been?"  and seemed genuinely interested to hear my answer.  She even asked me details about things I mentioned offhandedly to her last summer.  I couldn't believe that she remembered those things!  It blew me away.

So... my day seemed to be taking a turn for the better :-)

I then had to walk back home, with a brief stop at the shopping centre to do some errands.  I think I smiled the whole way there.

Last week, my Pathfinders and I prepared a small present for my friend Kimberly's little girl who is in the hospital.  I love this kid so very much and it broke my heart to know that she was going through another rough phase with her CF.  I sent Kim a photo of the girls writing their letters to Annika and when I got this one in return on my phone right there in the meeting, I have to admit....  I kind of lost control of those pesky tears that I tried so hard to keep at bay.  She is such a brave kid and she is truly my hero.  :`) 

When I entered Shoppers Drug Mart to send the box to this dear sweet girl, the lady at the cash was busy wiping things down with a wet-wipe.  She exclaimed, "I just knew that you were planning to stop by today, so I cleaned just for you!"  It gave me a chuckle.  :-)  Even that was something I appreciated today.  Like I said, it's the little things that matter most! 

I sent Annika's box and made my way over to the grocery store.  As I was rounding the corner into the pasta aisle, I saw an elderly lady openly weeping and clutching her purse to her chest.  She was all by herself.  She looked terrified and it truly broke my heart.  I approached her gently and asked if everything was ok.  She looked at me with sad eyes and whispered, "I think I'm lost!"  OK -- that almost did me in.  I almost cried with her!  I asked her if she would like some help, so I took her arm and we walked slowly over to the customer service desk together.  Just as I was explaining the situation to the cashier, the lady's daughter came rushing over.  What a tearful reunion - not so much on the mother's part, but the daughter's for sure.  The daughter explained that her mom is in the early stages of Alzheimer's and it's been really hard for them all to come to terms with.  They thanked me for my help and I went back to my shopping.  But... as I was packing up my groceries to leave the store, the mother came over to me and unexpectedly wrapped me in a big hug.  I have to admit I got teary -- again!  She then pressed a package of Trident Strawberry-Kiwi gum into my hand and praised me for my kind heart.  It was hard not to brush it off and say, "Oh don't mention it.  It was nothing!"  because it was obviously something to her.  All I said was "You're very welcome.  I hope you have a great lunch with your daughter!"  and I was on my way.  (Well... I was on my way after hiding out in a corner of the Metro foyer and wiping away a few stray tears!)  What an absolutely beautiful moment.  I now have a package of gum I don't particularly like  ;-)  but I have a feeling that this little token from her will become one of my most beloved treasures.

When I got home, I made myself a coffee, got some lunch and sat down to do some editing on my computer.... and found a few messages from my former sponsor child in the DR.  She's having a rough day today and hoped that I was online to chat.  I immediately messaged her and was glad to see that she was still there, waiting for me.  My Spanish is still not the greatest but thanks to Google Translate we were able to have a really good conversation.  She is still in therapy to work her way through some difficult things that have happened and I expressed how proud I was to know her and have the opportunity to be a part of her life.  She said, "Even when I was bad, I knew that at least I had you on my side."  :`)  

She also said, "I'm also proud of you, mami.  You are brave and have such a kind heart."  At one point her cheekiness came shining through and she made fun of me for messing up my Spanish.  She asked, "K idioma s ese???"  ("Which language is this?!"  -- cheeky bugger!)  When I mock-scolded her, she just laughed and said, "jajajaja!  te adoro"  (LOL, I love you!)  

She touched me by sending me a photo of her wrist...  which, even after 3 years, still dons the bracelet that I made for her.  I have to say THAT took me aback.  I didn't know she still had that thing, let alone wore it every day.  She told me that she never takes it off.   I asked her to hold for a second and I ran to take a picture of myself wearing the necklace she made for me a few years ago.  Messy hair, no make-up... I didn't care.  I just wanted to take a "right now" picture to let her know that I have it close to me at all times.

 

Her photo of the bracelet

 

A photo I took of the bracelet before I sent it to the Dominican Republic.

The photo I sent of myself wearing the necklace she made for me. 

She was surprised I still had it!  I told her it was one of the nicest gifts I had ever received and that I would cherish it for the rest of my life.  It really meant a lot to her.

Our conversation eventually evolved to talking about the new boy she liked and how she wondered, in the case I happened to get a new boyfriend in the future, if I would tell him about my girls in the Dominican.  It's not a lie to say that this statement shocked me.  She said, "You probably don't want to tell anyone about me...  a new guy won't need that damage in his life."  For a few minutes, I didn't know how to react.  I just sat there, dumbfounded at her words.  As much as I tell her I am proud to have her in my life, she still doesn't truly believe me?  Suddenly, I had an idea -- I grabbed my camera and ran out to the living room.  I took a picture of MY FAMILY and sent that to her via Facebook.  When she saw the images, she burst into tears.
 

"Does this prove how much I love my girls?  This is the first thing people see when they enter my house!"

"You're really proud of me?  You aren't ashamed to tell people that I am in your life?"

"No, my love.  On the contrary!  I love telling people about the amazing person you are!"   (I mean, I knew her self-worth was less than stellar right now, but this really threw me for a loop....)

"Te quiero muchisimo. Es preciosa estoy llorando... (I love you so much.  It's beautiful. I'm crying).  Never in my life did I think someone could love me so much". 

So... for the third time today, the tears started to flow!  I am such an emotional wreck today!  Haha.  But a HAPPY emotional wreck, so it's not all bad :-)

Ohh, what a day it has been!!  Now I am off to get something ready for dinner and to prepare for my evening of sewing with the little girls at Brownies.  I also get to see my dearest friend, who is back from a week's vacation in Mexico and I get to complain about how tan she is :-) 

Hope your Monday has been as great as mine!

- NWK

Snow Day!

Yesterday was a good day!

I have been to Webster's Falls in southern Ontario many, many times and it's a different experience each  time I go.  Yesterday's visit has to be one my favourite times ever.   I've heard of people walking on the ledge behind the falls but I've never done it - let alone in the middle of winter.  The waterfall was mostly frozen yesterday so there was a spectacular curtain of ice from top to bottom.  It was like walking through an ice cave.  I could have stayed down there all day, had it not been for the frigid temperatures!

My favourite moment of 2014 -- so far! (behind Webster's Falls)

After we hiked back to the car yesterday, my friend and I decided to hit the road to see what Niagara Falls looked like, as well.  It was a little on the cold side -- ok, I lie... it was frigid and brutal and I thought I would die! -- the mist from the powerful  falls froze instantly to our hats and coats and faces,  but it was a great experience nonetheless.  It's great seeing these sights at different times throughout the year and this was my first winter visit to these falls.  I have to admit, if I didn't have to do silly little things like taking care of my household and working for instance, I'd be out adventuring like this every day!  :-)

The powerful Niagara in winter!

In the evening, I finally had a long over-due chat with my step-momma.  The past few days I've been needing a little girl talk and as much as I love my dad, it's just not the same! (He tried, though, bless his heart!)  When I called earlier in the day, Ellie was at work so I didn't get a chance to talk with her till late last night.  The chat really did me a lot of good, though.  We talked about the day's events and the awful weather but also about life and love and past mistakes and friendships new and old.  Talking with her helps me to keep little day-to-day trivial things in perspective, and I hope it does the same for her.  Before we knew it, it was 1am and we were both exhausted and ready to call it a day.  At one point she exclaimed, "Nancy, you and your father are so much alike!"  My first thought was, "Hey! Wait... I'm not a stubborn old grump!"  (said playfully and with love, of course!) but the more I think about it, the more I believe that I am like my dad.  And I am very proud of that.  As painful as the past has been for our family at certain points in time, I know that my dad is a good man who cares about his family and would do anything to make sure that we are all happy and healthy and safe.  The ability to say I'm sorry and honestly make the effort to change my not-so-positive behaviours is something I've learned from him.  He taught me (through his words AND his actions) that if I make a mistake or hurt someone, I need to be humble enough to own it and then do my best to make amends.  He doesn't want me to be like the masses who claim that they're sorry for their bad acts (if they are indeed insightful enough to recognize them) but then turn around again and again to hurt people in the same ways.  It's not easy and I'm certainly not perfect by any means, nor is he.  But we try.  I really do thank him for teaching me these things throughout the years.  And of course, I thank my step-mom for not only praising me for my good traits, but for also calling me on my crappy ones like any good mother should ;-)  I've certainly been blessed with some amazing people in my life.  

It's not a grumpy Monday for me at all.  The fresh air and sunshine did me a lot of good yesterday and I actually slept throughout the night for the first time in 2014.  And then I woke up this morning to find this giggle on Facebook from a friend:

I commented: "I love how you posted this at 6:30am on a Monday morning!"  Ohh, she's a hoot.  :-)

Most of Hamilton / Dundas has a snow day today.  It's days like this I am sorry that I can work from home :-P   I will admit to hitting the snooze button after I quickly checked my emails and Facebook this morning.  Since there was nothing pressing that had to be done at that ungodly hour,  I relished staying in bed an extra little bit.  Alas, life has to go on, snow or no snow, and work still needs to get done.   So I will end here while wishing everyone a very happy Monday!  

- NWK

What a difference a month makes!

Well, here I am!  More than a month has passed since my last post and I am happy to say that I am in a better frame of mind.

Did something amazing and profound happen to cheer me up and change my life?  No.
Did I win the lottery and lose those money woes?  Nope.  Those are still there.
Is this brutal cold streak in Ontario over yet?  Nope.  If anything it's worse lately! 
Am I happy?  You bet!

I am happy.

That sentence makes me smile :-D

I will say it again:  I'm happy!  

I have no particular reason to be "happy".  It would be perfectly acceptable for me to say I am having a rough time right now and that life is extra hard.  Because that, to some extent, is the truth.  But I'm not going to focus on those things.

Don't get me wrong:  I am NOT saying that this is an easy "decision".  You can't just "snap out of it!" and "decide" to be happy like I am so often told to do by well-meaning individuals who just don't get it ("it" being  clinical depression and anxiety).  Some days are harder than others.  I've cried this week and at times it felt like my heart was physically breaking.  But the coping skills I have developed over the past few years have come to my aid once again.  Through trial and error, I know what works for me.  Even on my darkest days, I know I am telling myself the truth when I say, "Keep going.  It will get better!"   Because... somehow, it always does.


So what has my month been like?  The word that immediately jumps to mind is "lonely".  December was lonely.  You see, for me Christmas is not just one day but an entire season. I won't say that my Christmas season was horrible, because that would be entirely false.  It was especially hard at times (being my first Christmas season alone here in my apartment - I spent the last two in Florida with my brother and his wife), but I have been blessed with some very amazing friends that made certain days quite special for me.  I am a very lucky gal :-) 

So, yeah.  Certain things are hard.  The Christmas season was lonely at times this year.  I've discovered that my winter insomnia has actually been a pattern for me for the past few years.  I picked up on the pattern just recently while reading through old journals.  January through April seem to be months where my nightly sleep goes from my usual 11pm - 7am to something crazy like 3-4am to 10am.  It's hard to deal with sometimes, but I'm trying to make the best of it and embrace it for what it is.  It'll get better once spring rolls around again, I'm sure.  If I need an afternoon nap, I take it.  On the plus side, nighttime has now become an incredibly productive time for me!  I am still fighting off a crappy cold that leaves me breathless and wheezy.  The chest pain is getting pretty tiresome and since I can't work out as intensely or as often as I'm used to, I sometimes feel weak and sluggish and icky.  The new asthma medicine I started back in the fall really helps, though. The weather has been so crazy lately that it's been triggering some pretty severe headaches.  I slipped on the icy driveway two days ago and tweaked something in my lower / mid back.  It's pretty excruciating.  I can't even bend over far enough today to put on socks.  Some people very dear to my heart are fighting some major struggles and I find myself unable to keep my emotions in check sometimes.  The worry gets to be too much after awhile.  I find myself this week once again dealing with a friend / colleague's tendency towards unnecessary chaos and passive-aggressiveness.  It's not bothering me as much as it once would have.  I'm trying to keep everything in perspective and make sure I conduct myself with behaviours I know I can be proud of at the end of the day.  Another close friend just announced that she will be going away during the year for months at a time.  That one's a little hard, I have to admit.  But even that is something that I'm taking "as is".  Everything will be ok.  Life is full of these ups and downs.  It's how you face them that counts. 

On Jan 15th, my older Girl Guide group and I successfully ran our first Spaghetti Dinner fundraiser with proceeds going into our Europe Trip fund.  The girls blew me away.  They were extra polite and helpful.  They were extra charming.  They were incredibly mature. They fulfilled their responsibilities and they did it all when it counted. The entire evening was a great success.  I didn't think it was possible for me to be more proud of them.

Then came Jan 16th.  Apparently, it was possible. 

Last night, we had a very small meeting.  Some of our girls are currently studying for their 1st ever high school exams and some just entering high school in the fall were away attending the local info nights to help them decide schools for the fall.  The small group that did show up worked on our Random Acts of Kindness service project.  Our plan was to think of people in our local community who might be going through a rough time right now - either through illness, the recent loss of a pet or family member, or just feeling the effects of these typical winter blues.  We created small presents for these people last night and we're planning to deliver them tip-toe-quietly under the cover of darkness on the evening of Feb. 13th (after that night's meeting).  When these people wake up on Valentine's Day, we hope that our presents of love and kindness will bring a smile to their faces.  We aren't doing this to get anything in return.  We simply want to show people that they are loved and that they matter.

We started out by discussing some "random acts of kindness" we have heard of (or ones that we ourselves have done for others in the past that seemed to make a big difference to its recipient).   This discussion had a MASSIVE snow-ball effect on our project.  I had to get out a pad and pencil to write down all their ideas.  It was hard to keep up but I'd be damned if I could shoot down any of their ideas to bring happiness to others.  Over the two hours, our once-small venture had morphed into something way bigger than any of us could possibly handle on our own.  My notepad scribbles started to resemble a living tree: this thing grew bigger and bigger, branching out in all directions and, as girls unsolicitedly started stepping up and taking responsibility for their own branches, I could see this project already starting to bear fruit.  By the time the meeting was over, we had boxes and bags full of completed presents ready to be given to some very special people in our community, each gift with a unique hand-made touch. 

I had to take a moment to catch my breath.  Much of the time, getting my girls to actually finish the projects they start is like pulling teeth.  It's often a struggle all the way through and I have to internally debate whether or not to fight them on it.  They're teenagers;  you need to choose your battles wisely ;-)  This time, however, they not only took responsibility for completing what we had initially set out to do... they expanded on it and turned our small project into something big and beautiful and far beyond what I expected of them.  So, yes, Jan 16th showed me it was possible for me to be prouder than the day before.

I woke up this morning, Jan 17th, to find my inbox full of more suggestions.... "Nancy, I haven't been able to get this off my mind... What about xxxx in our own unit?  She's going through a rough time right now after her recent accident.  Can we surprise her with something from our entire group?"  //   "Nancy, can we include the leader who helped us at our last camp?  She's not technically going through a 'rough time' but it would still be nice to show her how much our unit loves and appreciates her!"  //  "Nancy, do you think that I could do a small thing on my own where I brought in a small present for each girl for Valentine's Day? We all could benefit from a nice surprise, don't you think?"    etc, etc, etc....

Jan 17th.  My heart is humbled.  These kids are amazing human beings and I love each and every one of them.  I might be the person technically in the role of  "teacher" or "leader" but sometimes those roles get shaken up like a snow globe and things get completely topsy-turvied.  Quite often lately I find myself being the one who is taught.  And I embrace those opportunities with open arms.  Jan 17th brings me even more pride in these girls.  I am so glad to know them.


My Facebook status this morning: 

Woke this morning to unsolicited emails from three different girls (AND one leader) with different ideas they had re: our Random Acts of Kindness service project. They went home last night after our meeting and couldn't stop thinking about ways they can reach out to others. Blown away by their kindness, caring and maturity.   :')   I've got some very loving souls in my midst.... humbled this morning by these beautiful people. Project is becoming bigger by the minute and is probably more work than I have time for right now but it is worth it. This is the kind of thing you MAKE time for.

I'll end this entry with a few images I found through Google.  I'm not sure to whom they belong, but the type of people creating sentiments like this shouldn't mind me copying and pasting here, right?   :-) 

 

:-)  NWK

These are a few of my favourite things....

Blue skies and vibrant colours....
and the "super vivid" setting on my camera, which captures it all perfectly!

 

Seeing this little girl smile... 

(my step-sister, Katarina)

And this one...
(my littlest step-sister, Dakota)

 

Finding messages like this in my inbox on days when things seem especially bleak...

 This gorgeous little creature who lives in my backyard and follows me around like a puppy...

Waking up to big fluffy snowflakes falling outside which result in scenes like this...

And many, many more....

NWK