I spent many years being depressed. If you ask certain friends and family members, they'll say it was all BS and there was nothing ever wrong with me. I envy these people sometimes. As much as they make me angry for spewing their cliches, I realize that they have never
truly gone through the heart-crushing, searing, debilitating pain of depression. Oh, they
say they understand, of course. And sometimes I'm convinced that they're honestly trying to. But unless you've been through it yourself, you don't really know.
Sometimes I wish I didn't know, either. But then I change my mind. Depression has actually become one of my best friends. I know that sounds strange but I honestly wouldn't be who I am without it. It has helped me understand who I am on a deeper level. Sometimes it just rushes toward me like a tidal wave and quite literally knocks me off my feet. Other times, it creeps in slowly and I'm not even fully aware of its presence until I'm completely surrounded by its darkness. I try to learn from it - when all else fails and I am lost, I write. It's the only way I can make sense of things. I have thousands of pages of hand-written notes to myself. In some I'm happy and even content with life. In some, I am angry. I lash out at the world. The pages are stained with tears. Some are wrinkled, after having been balled up tightly and thrown into the trash only to have been taken out later during a calmer moment, smoothed, and placed with the other mish-mash of pages. For years I could not read them. Most days I can't. But I'm glad they're there.
My life is in those pages. My mundane, day-to-day, often excruciatingly painful life. I have learned so much about myself through those pages. They have given me more insight into own mind than any self-help book suggestion or therapist ever could. I don't always like myself after reading some of those entries, mind you, but they're still me.... I learn from what I find written there and I use it to make changes. And, even though I am going through another down phase right now, I am SO INCREDIBLY PROUD of myself and my journey and I'm proud of who I am. I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes and I am positive I will continue to do so. I'm human, after all.
I think the thing that has helped me the most throughout the past two years in particular is "The Happiness Project" (a book by Gretchen Rubin, with a separate journal of the same name). Do yourself a favour and buy yourself a journal before the New Year; let it be your Christmas present to yourself. Starting fresh on Jan 1st was symbolic for my "new beginning" in 2012, but you can start at any time throughout the year.
This small book is a one-sentence-a-day journal. Don't make excuses -- it's not too hard to take 30 seconds out of your day to write down one sentence. I take mine with me everywhere. It's well travelled, having come with me on several occasions throughout Canada and the USA on trips and vacations. I have not missed a day in almost two years and I am excited to start my third year in this book on Jan 1st. Basically, you write in the highlight of your day. Some days it's something profound or exciting (I held a baby alligator today! / I hiked 11 km to reach a hard-to-find waterfall! / I slept in a hammock last night!) and some other days the most productive thing I've written is that I got out of bed or accomplished an errand. It all counts. Trust me. You will get to know yourself through those pages, over the years. You will hold on to happy, fleeting moments that might otherwise have faded away with the setting sun. When you have depression your brain tries to trick you into thinking that your entire life is worthless. But that's not true. The premise of this book is: every day may not be good... but there's something good in every day. And if your excuse is that you can't afford to buy the journal (because I've heard that one, too), then staple together 365 pages of your own paper and make your own five-year journal. One page for every day, with five lines on each page. DO IT. What do you have to lose? Nothing. What do you have to gain? Maybe everything....
Oh, and PS: don't forget to take pictures of those happy moments!
NWK
