Snow Day!

Yesterday was a good day!

I have been to Webster's Falls in southern Ontario many, many times and it's a different experience each  time I go.  Yesterday's visit has to be one my favourite times ever.   I've heard of people walking on the ledge behind the falls but I've never done it - let alone in the middle of winter.  The waterfall was mostly frozen yesterday so there was a spectacular curtain of ice from top to bottom.  It was like walking through an ice cave.  I could have stayed down there all day, had it not been for the frigid temperatures!

My favourite moment of 2014 -- so far! (behind Webster's Falls)

After we hiked back to the car yesterday, my friend and I decided to hit the road to see what Niagara Falls looked like, as well.  It was a little on the cold side -- ok, I lie... it was frigid and brutal and I thought I would die! -- the mist from the powerful  falls froze instantly to our hats and coats and faces,  but it was a great experience nonetheless.  It's great seeing these sights at different times throughout the year and this was my first winter visit to these falls.  I have to admit, if I didn't have to do silly little things like taking care of my household and working for instance, I'd be out adventuring like this every day!  :-)

The powerful Niagara in winter!

In the evening, I finally had a long over-due chat with my step-momma.  The past few days I've been needing a little girl talk and as much as I love my dad, it's just not the same! (He tried, though, bless his heart!)  When I called earlier in the day, Ellie was at work so I didn't get a chance to talk with her till late last night.  The chat really did me a lot of good, though.  We talked about the day's events and the awful weather but also about life and love and past mistakes and friendships new and old.  Talking with her helps me to keep little day-to-day trivial things in perspective, and I hope it does the same for her.  Before we knew it, it was 1am and we were both exhausted and ready to call it a day.  At one point she exclaimed, "Nancy, you and your father are so much alike!"  My first thought was, "Hey! Wait... I'm not a stubborn old grump!"  (said playfully and with love, of course!) but the more I think about it, the more I believe that I am like my dad.  And I am very proud of that.  As painful as the past has been for our family at certain points in time, I know that my dad is a good man who cares about his family and would do anything to make sure that we are all happy and healthy and safe.  The ability to say I'm sorry and honestly make the effort to change my not-so-positive behaviours is something I've learned from him.  He taught me (through his words AND his actions) that if I make a mistake or hurt someone, I need to be humble enough to own it and then do my best to make amends.  He doesn't want me to be like the masses who claim that they're sorry for their bad acts (if they are indeed insightful enough to recognize them) but then turn around again and again to hurt people in the same ways.  It's not easy and I'm certainly not perfect by any means, nor is he.  But we try.  I really do thank him for teaching me these things throughout the years.  And of course, I thank my step-mom for not only praising me for my good traits, but for also calling me on my crappy ones like any good mother should ;-)  I've certainly been blessed with some amazing people in my life.  

It's not a grumpy Monday for me at all.  The fresh air and sunshine did me a lot of good yesterday and I actually slept throughout the night for the first time in 2014.  And then I woke up this morning to find this giggle on Facebook from a friend:

I commented: "I love how you posted this at 6:30am on a Monday morning!"  Ohh, she's a hoot.  :-)

Most of Hamilton / Dundas has a snow day today.  It's days like this I am sorry that I can work from home :-P   I will admit to hitting the snooze button after I quickly checked my emails and Facebook this morning.  Since there was nothing pressing that had to be done at that ungodly hour,  I relished staying in bed an extra little bit.  Alas, life has to go on, snow or no snow, and work still needs to get done.   So I will end here while wishing everyone a very happy Monday!  

- NWK

What a difference a month makes!

Well, here I am!  More than a month has passed since my last post and I am happy to say that I am in a better frame of mind.

Did something amazing and profound happen to cheer me up and change my life?  No.
Did I win the lottery and lose those money woes?  Nope.  Those are still there.
Is this brutal cold streak in Ontario over yet?  Nope.  If anything it's worse lately! 
Am I happy?  You bet!

I am happy.

That sentence makes me smile :-D

I will say it again:  I'm happy!  

I have no particular reason to be "happy".  It would be perfectly acceptable for me to say I am having a rough time right now and that life is extra hard.  Because that, to some extent, is the truth.  But I'm not going to focus on those things.

Don't get me wrong:  I am NOT saying that this is an easy "decision".  You can't just "snap out of it!" and "decide" to be happy like I am so often told to do by well-meaning individuals who just don't get it ("it" being  clinical depression and anxiety).  Some days are harder than others.  I've cried this week and at times it felt like my heart was physically breaking.  But the coping skills I have developed over the past few years have come to my aid once again.  Through trial and error, I know what works for me.  Even on my darkest days, I know I am telling myself the truth when I say, "Keep going.  It will get better!"   Because... somehow, it always does.


So what has my month been like?  The word that immediately jumps to mind is "lonely".  December was lonely.  You see, for me Christmas is not just one day but an entire season. I won't say that my Christmas season was horrible, because that would be entirely false.  It was especially hard at times (being my first Christmas season alone here in my apartment - I spent the last two in Florida with my brother and his wife), but I have been blessed with some very amazing friends that made certain days quite special for me.  I am a very lucky gal :-) 

So, yeah.  Certain things are hard.  The Christmas season was lonely at times this year.  I've discovered that my winter insomnia has actually been a pattern for me for the past few years.  I picked up on the pattern just recently while reading through old journals.  January through April seem to be months where my nightly sleep goes from my usual 11pm - 7am to something crazy like 3-4am to 10am.  It's hard to deal with sometimes, but I'm trying to make the best of it and embrace it for what it is.  It'll get better once spring rolls around again, I'm sure.  If I need an afternoon nap, I take it.  On the plus side, nighttime has now become an incredibly productive time for me!  I am still fighting off a crappy cold that leaves me breathless and wheezy.  The chest pain is getting pretty tiresome and since I can't work out as intensely or as often as I'm used to, I sometimes feel weak and sluggish and icky.  The new asthma medicine I started back in the fall really helps, though. The weather has been so crazy lately that it's been triggering some pretty severe headaches.  I slipped on the icy driveway two days ago and tweaked something in my lower / mid back.  It's pretty excruciating.  I can't even bend over far enough today to put on socks.  Some people very dear to my heart are fighting some major struggles and I find myself unable to keep my emotions in check sometimes.  The worry gets to be too much after awhile.  I find myself this week once again dealing with a friend / colleague's tendency towards unnecessary chaos and passive-aggressiveness.  It's not bothering me as much as it once would have.  I'm trying to keep everything in perspective and make sure I conduct myself with behaviours I know I can be proud of at the end of the day.  Another close friend just announced that she will be going away during the year for months at a time.  That one's a little hard, I have to admit.  But even that is something that I'm taking "as is".  Everything will be ok.  Life is full of these ups and downs.  It's how you face them that counts. 

On Jan 15th, my older Girl Guide group and I successfully ran our first Spaghetti Dinner fundraiser with proceeds going into our Europe Trip fund.  The girls blew me away.  They were extra polite and helpful.  They were extra charming.  They were incredibly mature. They fulfilled their responsibilities and they did it all when it counted. The entire evening was a great success.  I didn't think it was possible for me to be more proud of them.

Then came Jan 16th.  Apparently, it was possible. 

Last night, we had a very small meeting.  Some of our girls are currently studying for their 1st ever high school exams and some just entering high school in the fall were away attending the local info nights to help them decide schools for the fall.  The small group that did show up worked on our Random Acts of Kindness service project.  Our plan was to think of people in our local community who might be going through a rough time right now - either through illness, the recent loss of a pet or family member, or just feeling the effects of these typical winter blues.  We created small presents for these people last night and we're planning to deliver them tip-toe-quietly under the cover of darkness on the evening of Feb. 13th (after that night's meeting).  When these people wake up on Valentine's Day, we hope that our presents of love and kindness will bring a smile to their faces.  We aren't doing this to get anything in return.  We simply want to show people that they are loved and that they matter.

We started out by discussing some "random acts of kindness" we have heard of (or ones that we ourselves have done for others in the past that seemed to make a big difference to its recipient).   This discussion had a MASSIVE snow-ball effect on our project.  I had to get out a pad and pencil to write down all their ideas.  It was hard to keep up but I'd be damned if I could shoot down any of their ideas to bring happiness to others.  Over the two hours, our once-small venture had morphed into something way bigger than any of us could possibly handle on our own.  My notepad scribbles started to resemble a living tree: this thing grew bigger and bigger, branching out in all directions and, as girls unsolicitedly started stepping up and taking responsibility for their own branches, I could see this project already starting to bear fruit.  By the time the meeting was over, we had boxes and bags full of completed presents ready to be given to some very special people in our community, each gift with a unique hand-made touch. 

I had to take a moment to catch my breath.  Much of the time, getting my girls to actually finish the projects they start is like pulling teeth.  It's often a struggle all the way through and I have to internally debate whether or not to fight them on it.  They're teenagers;  you need to choose your battles wisely ;-)  This time, however, they not only took responsibility for completing what we had initially set out to do... they expanded on it and turned our small project into something big and beautiful and far beyond what I expected of them.  So, yes, Jan 16th showed me it was possible for me to be prouder than the day before.

I woke up this morning, Jan 17th, to find my inbox full of more suggestions.... "Nancy, I haven't been able to get this off my mind... What about xxxx in our own unit?  She's going through a rough time right now after her recent accident.  Can we surprise her with something from our entire group?"  //   "Nancy, can we include the leader who helped us at our last camp?  She's not technically going through a 'rough time' but it would still be nice to show her how much our unit loves and appreciates her!"  //  "Nancy, do you think that I could do a small thing on my own where I brought in a small present for each girl for Valentine's Day? We all could benefit from a nice surprise, don't you think?"    etc, etc, etc....

Jan 17th.  My heart is humbled.  These kids are amazing human beings and I love each and every one of them.  I might be the person technically in the role of  "teacher" or "leader" but sometimes those roles get shaken up like a snow globe and things get completely topsy-turvied.  Quite often lately I find myself being the one who is taught.  And I embrace those opportunities with open arms.  Jan 17th brings me even more pride in these girls.  I am so glad to know them.


My Facebook status this morning: 

Woke this morning to unsolicited emails from three different girls (AND one leader) with different ideas they had re: our Random Acts of Kindness service project. They went home last night after our meeting and couldn't stop thinking about ways they can reach out to others. Blown away by their kindness, caring and maturity.   :')   I've got some very loving souls in my midst.... humbled this morning by these beautiful people. Project is becoming bigger by the minute and is probably more work than I have time for right now but it is worth it. This is the kind of thing you MAKE time for.

I'll end this entry with a few images I found through Google.  I'm not sure to whom they belong, but the type of people creating sentiments like this shouldn't mind me copying and pasting here, right?   :-) 

 

:-)  NWK