Did something amazing and profound happen to cheer me up and change my life? No.
Did I win the lottery and lose those money woes? Nope. Those are still there.
Is this brutal cold streak in Ontario over yet? Nope. If anything it's worse lately!
Am I happy? You bet!
I am happy.
That sentence makes me smile :-D
I will say it again: I'm happy!
I have no particular reason to be "happy". It would be perfectly acceptable for me to say I am having a rough time right now and that life is extra hard. Because that, to some extent, is the truth. But I'm not going to focus on those things.
Don't get me wrong: I am NOT saying that this is an easy "decision". You can't just "snap out of it!" and "decide" to be happy like I am so often told to do by well-meaning individuals who just don't get it ("it" being clinical depression and anxiety). Some days are harder than others. I've cried this week and at times it felt like my heart was physically breaking. But the coping skills I have developed over the past few years have come to my aid once again. Through trial and error, I know what works for me. Even on my darkest days, I know I am telling myself the truth when I say, "Keep going. It will get better!" Because... somehow, it always does.
So what has my month been like? The word that immediately jumps to mind is "lonely". December was lonely. You see, for me Christmas is not just one day but an entire season. I won't say that my Christmas season was horrible, because that would be entirely false. It was especially hard at times (being my first Christmas season alone here in my apartment - I spent the last two in Florida with my brother and his wife), but I have been blessed with some very amazing friends that made certain days quite special for me. I am a very lucky gal :-)
So, yeah. Certain things are hard. The Christmas season was lonely at times this year. I've discovered that my winter insomnia has actually been a pattern for me for the past few years. I picked up on the pattern just recently while reading through old journals. January through April seem to be months where my nightly sleep goes from my usual 11pm - 7am to something crazy like 3-4am to 10am. It's hard to deal with sometimes, but I'm trying to make the best of it and embrace it for what it is. It'll get better once spring rolls around again, I'm sure. If I need an afternoon nap, I take it. On the plus side, nighttime has now become an incredibly productive time for me! I am still fighting off a crappy cold that leaves me breathless and wheezy. The chest pain is getting pretty tiresome and since I can't work out as intensely or as often as I'm used to, I sometimes feel weak and sluggish and icky. The new asthma medicine I started back in the fall really helps, though. The weather has been so crazy lately that it's been triggering some pretty severe headaches. I slipped on the icy driveway two days ago and tweaked something in my lower / mid back. It's pretty excruciating. I can't even bend over far enough today to put on socks. Some people very dear to my heart are fighting some major struggles and I find myself unable to keep my emotions in check sometimes. The worry gets to be too much after awhile. I find myself this week once again dealing with a friend / colleague's tendency towards unnecessary chaos and passive-aggressiveness. It's not bothering me as much as it once would have. I'm trying to keep everything in perspective and make sure I conduct myself with behaviours I know I can be proud of at the end of the day. Another close friend just announced that she will be going away during the year for months at a time. That one's a little hard, I have to admit. But even that is something that I'm taking "as is". Everything will be ok. Life is full of these ups and downs. It's how you face them that counts.
On Jan 15th, my older Girl Guide group and I successfully ran our first Spaghetti Dinner fundraiser with proceeds going into our Europe Trip fund. The girls blew me away. They were extra polite and helpful. They were extra charming. They were incredibly mature. They fulfilled their responsibilities and they did it all when it counted. The entire evening was a great success. I didn't think it was possible for me to be more proud of them.
Then came Jan 16th. Apparently, it was possible.
Last night, we had a very small meeting. Some of our girls are currently studying for their 1st ever high school exams and some just entering high school in the fall were away attending the local info nights to help them decide schools for the fall. The small group that did show up worked on our Random Acts of Kindness service project. Our plan was to think of people in our local community who might be going through a rough time right now - either through illness, the recent loss of a pet or family member, or just feeling the effects of these typical winter blues. We created small presents for these people last night and we're planning to deliver them tip-toe-quietly under the cover of darkness on the evening of Feb. 13th (after that night's meeting). When these people wake up on Valentine's Day, we hope that our presents of love and kindness will bring a smile to their faces. We aren't doing this to get anything in return. We simply want to show people that they are loved and that they matter.
We started out by discussing some "random acts of kindness" we have heard of (or ones that we ourselves have done for others in the past that seemed to make a big difference to its recipient). This discussion had a MASSIVE snow-ball effect on our project. I had to get out a pad and pencil to write down all their ideas. It was hard to keep up but I'd be damned if I could shoot down any of their ideas to bring happiness to others. Over the two hours, our once-small venture had morphed into something way bigger than any of us could possibly handle on our own. My notepad scribbles started to resemble a living tree: this thing grew bigger and bigger, branching out in all directions and, as girls unsolicitedly started stepping up and taking responsibility for their own branches, I could see this project already starting to bear fruit. By the time the meeting was over, we had boxes and bags full of completed presents ready to be given to some very special people in our community, each gift with a unique hand-made touch.
I had to take a moment to catch my breath. Much of the time, getting my girls to actually finish the projects they start is like pulling teeth. It's often a struggle all the way through and I have to internally debate whether or not to fight them on it. They're teenagers; you need to choose your battles wisely ;-) This time, however, they not only took responsibility for completing what we had initially set out to do... they expanded on it and turned our small project into something big and beautiful and far beyond what I expected of them. So, yes, Jan 16th showed me it was possible for me to be prouder than the day before.
I woke up this morning, Jan 17th, to find my inbox full of more suggestions.... "Nancy, I haven't been able to get this off my mind... What about xxxx in our own unit? She's going through a rough time right now after her recent accident. Can we surprise her with something from our entire group?" // "Nancy, can we include the leader who helped us at our last camp? She's not technically going through a 'rough time' but it would still be nice to show her how much our unit loves and appreciates her!" // "Nancy, do you think that I could do a small thing on my own where I brought in a small present for each girl for Valentine's Day? We all could benefit from a nice surprise, don't you think?" etc, etc, etc....
Jan 17th. My heart is humbled. These kids are amazing human beings and I love each and every one of them. I might be the person technically in the role of "teacher" or "leader" but sometimes those roles get shaken up like a snow globe and things get completely topsy-turvied. Quite often lately I find myself being the one who is taught. And I embrace those opportunities with open arms. Jan 17th brings me even more pride in these girls. I am so glad to know them.
My Facebook status this morning:
I'll end this entry with a few images I found through Google. I'm not sure to whom they belong, but the type of people creating sentiments like this shouldn't mind me copying and pasting here, right? :-)
:-) NWK
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