Not every day is easy...

I've been having some struggles lately.  I have to admit it for what it is:  my anxiety issues and fear for the future are back.  There's a good reason.  A lot of things are uncertain right now and I need time to figure it out before I can move on to some other things in my life.  My mom potentially being very sick again is wreaking havoc on my emotional and mental health.  A few of my CF friends as well.  But I'm trying my best.  Some days are good, still.  Some day are not so good.

I woke up this morning with a severe panic attack.... a full-blown, "I think I might die from this one" panic attack.  It was really that bad.  It's not easy to go through this alone, with no one there to help guide me back to reality.  But I have been forced to find ways to help MYSELF in situations such as these over the past little bit, since I live alone now.  I know how to recognize when it is happening.  I know what to do to take steps to help it pass.  But it is SCARY. 

This is one of those days for me.  I'm worried about so much.  But I have so much to get done.  Today that doesn't seem to be the priority, though.  My main priority TODAY is to make it through to tomorrow.  I feel desperately alone.  I am scared about my mom and had a few upsetting dreams last night, which set the whole day off on the wrong foot.  I am under a tremendous amount of work-related stress and Guiding-related stress.  I need help with some of these tasks.  I have no choice this week but to talk with my leaders and the kids' families and let them know that I need help.  THIS is not an easy thing for me to admit, let alone DO.  I take pride in being "Super Woman" sometimes.  But for my own health, changes have to be made.  My selfish pride has no place here right now.  I will not be any good to anyone if I don't start slowing down and become humble enough to ask for help.  There's no shame in asking for help.

I'm also no longer quite so ashamed about going through periods such as this.  I used to be incredibly private and hide away, as though there would be an overwhelming backlash of judgement thrown my way.  But I can't be afraid of that anymore.... so I am daring to share my grief with you right now.

This is the face of my grief.  I'm not proud of it.  But I am DEFINITELY not hiding it anymore. I have a lot of dear friends in my corner who love me and try to help.  I know how lucky I am.  But a lot of this journey has to come from inside ME.  I need to come to terms with a lot of painful issues.  It's a process.  I can't expect everything to happen all at once;  that's not reasonable.  And thinking that there is a "quick fix" can be very detrimental.  I need to feel this grief and work my way through it until I can come out on the other side and feel genuine peace and healing.  The feelings of alone-ness are really the hardest parts to deal with. 
 
I just need to slow down and trust the process.  Go through the motions.  Get through it.  I've been through worse, so I know that I will eventually come out on the other side again.  That thought helps, at least.  But until then, it's just the bare minimum for me until I can make it through to another day.

xo
NWK